Traffic lights to be automated

Frank in 1979

The budget cuts sweeping the UK are not leaving the Isle of Wight out, with the Island council asked to trim their budget by twenty percent, or nearly five hundred pounds.

One of the more tragic cuts is the enforced early retirement of Frank Exchange, 59, of Newport. Frank has been changing the lights on Georges Lane in Newport since they were installed in 1979. He has been a familiar figure every day between seven and seven, rain or shine, in his booth at the side of the road. In order to save money, Frank will be replaced by an automated system.

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Isle of Wight Mardi Gras under fire

This year's parade will have floats

Isle of Wight Councillor David Pugh has come under fire for renaming the Isle of Wight Spring Festival the "Isle of Wight Mardi Gras". This carnival and tourist attraction is to be held on the ninth of April and this has angered local pedants.

"The Spring Festival has been called this in all the years it's been running," said local resident Nick Erlastic. "About five years now. How dare they decide on a whim to rename it? And on top of this, they've renamed it to Mardi Gras. Do these people not speak any French?"

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Political Unrest Expodes Across Island

F on a double, and 50pt bonus!

Ventnor - Public sentiment against David Pugh's Inaction Plan and possible implementation of government restraint measures has reached a fever pitch across the island with public skirmishes and demonstrations of show of force against the government taking place in most major cities outside of the capital Newport which remains firmly in government control.

Rebel leader Marjorie Stevens, seventy-seven of 2 Bettworth Crescent, announced "It's high time elected councilmen looked to see which side their bread is buttered on."


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Surfeit of Gnomes

Lots of gnomes are scarier than one its own

It is unbelievable, but it has happened again. Once more the island has been inundated with far too many garden gnomes.


Islanders will remember the 1972 Garden Gnome surplus that saw three garden gnomes for every man woman and child on the island. Back then, the surplus was mopped up by the creation of the Garden Gnome Garden in Ventnor. However, there is no more space in the GGG to put any more gnomes, and the Island Council are at a loss of what to do.


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Ryde Protests over submerged rail station

Artists impression of a flooded station

Residents of Ryde are up in arms over the location of Ryde Pier Head rail station according to Google Maps and SatNavs.

"If you look on Google Maps or on your SatNav," said Ryde council woman, Hillary Dale, "you can plainly see the station is in the sea. About     five hundred metres out. Or is that feet? No matter."

Local residents fear for visitors to the station, who might end up in the water trying to reach the station. The popular station that runs services from the head of the pier into the centre of Ryde, is in fact not in the sea, but on the pier itself. Local residents want signs putting up, warning about the dangers of attempting to drive off the end of the pier.

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Newport Lifeguards to be Axed

Newport Lifeboat has the longest run to the sea in the world.

Plans by the ruling Conservative Group at County Hall, to axe the lifeguard service in Newport, have been branded as negligent by the Independent Group of Councillors whose members represent seaside wards all over the Island.

Average cost of one fatality estimated at £1m

A spokesperson for the group, Cllr Chris Welsford said "Tourists rightly expect a safe experience when visiting our main seaside resorts: Ventnor; Sandown; Shanklin and Ryde, however the lifeguard service was founded in Newport and has always had the best record for safety for beachgoers on the island."
 

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